It all started in Ramadan before the last, when I started to have doubts about my own religion. Someone would say: “Oh, the irony; Ramadan & doubts in faith at the same time?”, but then I would say “Yes! That’s exactly the point.”. Although some people would believe that an adolescent doubting the creed & faith which he had grown up living by is considered as a critical crisis, I would disagree, because that’s the same exact thing that reinforces the Iman deep, deep inside.
Those hesitant doubts didn’t come out from within my heart or soul, they definitely came from something far exterior, like Shaytan, I presume. I started to ponder about one axial question; is God really there? There were some others which basically revolved around that question, but they were all minor doubts, though. My faith had implanted roots inside my heart that couldn’t be just cut off by some undefined skepticism. Nevertheless, it bothered me so much, that I made sure I purified my intentions & renewed my Iman deep inside frequently, and attempt to suppress that annoying cogitation in my mind as long as I can. I, as a matter of fact, am a bit of a perfectionist, so a little bit of impurities mixed with my faith do ignite a hell inside. It bothered me while I’m praying, reading Quraan, pretty much while doing everything. Apprehension took over me; it stuck to my mind that I could die any moment, and thereby, I might die as a disbeliever. Contradiction was always there; praying & the at the same time wondering if God whom I’m praying to is there. I wanted an answer to that everlasting battle in my head. I blindly knew I was on the right course by believing in Allah & being a Muslim, but wanted a thick shield against those occasional hits of disbelief.
Nothing came up in mind to do. Although I already had the whole Holy Quraan studied by heart back then, I found no medicine to such bothering dubiety (because of my own human weakness & uncertainty. Quraan always has the cure). Days of Ramadan, hours, minutes & seconds go on and on, with no quick fixes to do. Every single day passes on with those ridiculously annoying thoughts always there on mind. I just wanted to get that “thing” out of my soul. I wanted a strategy of counterattack. My most intimate wish was to totally cut out that over-thinking about these things, silence those wild thoughts forever & go on living with some peace of mind. All I desperately needed at that time was to find that impeccably absolute answer, so I would perfectly burn out those voices with the undisputed proof before even whispering in my ears.
Out of the blue, while I was praying at night in the Masjid at the last nights of Ramadan, I had that spontaneously pure thought I was exhaustingly looking for. I asked myself: “Hear this rustling of the trees outside the Masjid? Who created those beautifully long Camphor trees? Scratch that, who created that moon right above in the skies? Want more? Who created the sun which rises in absolutely perfect harmony with the motion of the moon? They can’t just do such things by themselves, right?” Immediately, the Quraan backed it up. The Ayat from Surat Yaseen sparked up in my mind at that moment:
وَآيَةٌ لَّهُمُ الْأَرْضُ الْمَيْتَةُ أَحْيَيْنَاهَا وَأَخْرَجْنَا مِنْهَا حَبًّا فَمِنْهُ يَأْكُلُونَ
وَجَعَلْنَا فِيهَا جَنَّاتٍ مِّن نَّخِيلٍ وَأَعْنَابٍ وَفَجَّرْنَا فِيهَا مِنَ الْعُيُونِ
لِيَأْكُلُوا مِن ثَمَرِهِ وَمَا عَمِلَتْهُ أَيْدِيهِمْ ۖ أَفَلَا يَشْكُرُونَ
سُبْحَانَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ الْأَزْوَاجَ كُلَّهَا مِمَّا تُنبِتُ الْأَرْضُ وَمِنْ أَنفُسِهِمْ وَمِمَّا لَا يَعْلَمُونَ
وَآيَةٌ لَّهُمُ اللَّيْلُ نَسْلَخُ مِنْهُ النَّهَارَ فَإِذَا هُم مُّظْلِمُونَ
وَالشَّمْسُ تَجْرِي لِمُسْتَقَرٍّ لَّهَا ۚ ذَٰلِكَ تَقْدِيرُ الْعَزِيزِ الْعَلِيمِ
وَالْقَمَرَ قَدَّرْنَاهُ مَنَازِلَ حَتَّىٰ عَادَ كَالْعُرْجُونِ الْقَدِيمِ
لَا الشَّمْسُ يَنبَغِي لَهَا أَن تُدْرِكَ الْقَمَرَ وَلَا اللَّيْلُ سَابِقُ النَّهَارِ ۚ وَكُلٌّ فِي فَلَكٍ يَسْبَحُونَ
I think I found “the impeccably absolute answer” which I’ve been looking for. It wasn’t me who was brilliant enough to figure it out, but it was Allah ﷻ who is Gracious to guide me in my moments of spiritual weakness. Allah is Merciful to His creations that He would lead them to Him & to His path of prosperity, which eventually leads to Jannah. Allah is Compassionate so He would not let YOU be misguided when you sincerely look for the truth.
If you let me, dear reader, I’d love to take the liberty of giving you one succinct piece of advice; read your Quraan. It is full of surprises.